This weekend I was texting the RTB at Tim Horton's, when suddenly my laptop* went dead. Huh, thought I, that's odd, because it's fully charged and the cord is plugged into the wall.
Three little chew marks, in a suspiciously familiar pattern. How he managed to reach it I'll never know, because it was inside of a bag on a rocking chair out of his radius of destruction, but apparently he morphed into a ninja at some point, because the evidence was staring me in the face. Well, poopnoodles, thought I, but this is all old hat to me. I'll just march down to the electronics department of Meijer to replace it for ten bucks, like all the other chargers, and everything will be just f--NINETY-NINE DOLLARS FOR A LAPTOP CHARGER WHAT THE SHIT OH YOU LITTLE FUCKER I'M HAVING HASSENPFEFFER TONIGHT.
So yeah. I did not, in fact, go all Fatal Attraction on him, but I did exact revenge of a sort:
THE DREADED NAIL TRIM. At which, the last toe clipped, he promptly kicked me in the face and hopped off to sulk like the poor little coddled victim he is.
I also learned a valuable lesson, namely DO NOT LEAVE YOUR LAPTOP ON CHAIRS, because when it comes to wreaking havoc on personal possessions, bunnies are GENIUSES. In addition to his technology fetish, he has chewed, in no particular order: two pairs of pants, a cowboy hat, several sheets of no-stick flooring I bought for his x-pen, countless book covers (including the gratuitously ironic Rabbits for Dummies), two common Magic: The Gathering cards, several pairs of boots, several Pathfinder character sheets, a packpack, my biology textbook and homework (giving me the brilliant excuse "My rabbit ate my homework"), a soft-sided cat carrier, and some fake plants I carelessly left on a table while cleaning the fish tank.
And then there's the food. He's a terrible food whore, worse than our Whippet my family had when I was a kid. He'll jump out of nowhere to steal food right out of your hand. So far he's gotten into doughnuts, cheese, Pocky, the bologna out of my sandwich, a piece of chocolate FOIL AND ALL, a whole roll of Oreos (just the tops and scattered the rest ALL OVER THE HOUSE), pizza, Nacho Cheese Doritos, cheese, a cup of coffee I thought I'd put out of his reach, half a hot dog, onion rings, and a Grilled Stuffed Nacho from Taco Bell. He also Hoovers cat food any chance he can get and will chase the cats away from their bowls. Due to all of this gourmet dining, he ballooned to rotund proportions and Fatty Fatty Two By Four is now on a strict(ish) diet (although I am not, as you can see from my litany of dietary choices).
All I'm saying is, he's lucky he's so cute and loveable, because for a few minutes in that coffee shop, rabbit stew sounded like a pretty tempting meal.
*Yes! I have a laptop! It was a gift from Grampa on the last Christmas I had with him and Gramma. Technically it was Gramma's computer and because of her condition she couldn't use it anyway, so he gave it to me! I still don't have the internet at home, but I can poach the free Wi-Fi at Timmy Ho's.