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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Freya Lorelei's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, June 25th, 2016
4:18 pm
Berkeley Square; or, weird sad crush is weird and sad.
I know I haven't posted in ages, and while I have a life now, I'm mainly posting a movie review, because I can't do it on That Other Social Network, since I try to keep my weird, sad crush to myself on there.

However, this is LJ, where everyone's a fangirl, so let me ramble on about a film with an obscure actor who's been dead for over 70 years!

So I finally got around to watching Berkeley Square.Collapse )
Friday, January 15th, 2016
8:43 am
Tephra is life, Tephra is love.

Holy shit, I NEVER post here any more. Like, EVER.

I mostly hang out on Reddit, under this name, and Facebook, under my real name. I'm still in Texas, which I love more than I ever thought possible, and work at a local dry cleaner, because I fear change and have few other marketable skills.

I also have a second job, which I got via Reddit simply by being a huge fangirling nerd, as an editor for the steampunk tabletop RPG Tephra. I bought the Playing Guide at an anime convention, immediately fell in love with the setting, and mentioned I was looking for work as an editor on r/TephraTheRPG. After editing a short piece for them as a trial run, I was hired.

It's produced by the indie company Cracked Monocle, and is based out of Austin. If you're interested in a unique steampunk RPG, this one has a fantasy flair, with elves, gnomes, and satyrs battling bomb-wielding mechanical monstrosities, and steam-powered heists a-plenty. I've played a few sessions, and it's enormous fun. We're getting ready to publish a GM guide of sorts next month, the Narrator's Accomplice, and there are several other splats available, plus PDFs of adventures, trinkets, and a new player race, so there's quite a bit of material already.

Monday, April 20th, 2015
12:12 pm
Mainlined my obsession. Again.

Caught up on Once Upon a Time, and dear lord, Charmings, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

I want to smack some sense into both of them. Stealing Maleficent's child, deliberately infecting it with darkness, then "accidentally" (read the fine print, morons! Did your dealings with Rumpelstiltskin teach you NOTHING?) stranding it in another realm, and not even a note of apology? WTF, Charmings!

They did a straight-up, no excuses act of sheer villainy, and then spent the last five minutes of the episode reassuring themselves and justifying why it was okay, because they're HEROES. When the evil shapeshifting homicidal dragon comes off more sympathetic than you, it's time to reconsider your life choices.

Also LOL at the idea of Hook intimidating a deity into blackmail. Sorry, pretty boy, Poseidon would skewer you and turn you into chum.

Also sleeping curse immunity what? Didn't Snow, Charming, and Aurora all repeatedly go under voluntary sleeping spells to communicate while they were in separate realms? I know Snow and Aurora used poppies, but Charming was put under with a good old-fashioned spindle. And does this now mean the ENTIRE TOWN is immune to sleeping curses? So much for that future plot point! (Although props to Maleficent for such a competent, Cora-level act of villainy.)

Wow, OUaT gives me the feels.

Tuesday, November 18th, 2014
11:06 pm
This journal is now all OUaT, all the time. Deal with it.
Am catching up on the most recent episodes of Once Upon a Time, and I must say, after the last few seasons of scenery-chewing, melodramatic villain arcs (Zelena, anyone?), Elizabeth Mitchell's quiet menace comes as a welcome reprieve. And her character actually has a legitimately horrific back story, not angsty melodrama touted as motivation (Pan, Hook, and yes, Zelena again. Boy, she wore out her welcome fast).

The second half of the fourth season will feature Maleficent as the Big Bad, and reportedly the fifth focuses on Cruella de Ville, so we should enjoy the understated villain while we can, because those two are nothing BUT drama.

...although HOW they'll bring in Cruella baffles me. Is she going to threaten to skin Ruby? Take over Storybrooke Animal Shelter For Teh Evuls? There aren't a whole lot of options with the character, is what I'm saying. Her modus operandi is stealing puppies and chain-smoking. Good luck building a compelling and realistic story arc around THAT.
Thursday, November 13th, 2014
11:08 pm
In which Freya has Problems, and Needs Help.
So it's been about two months since the wedding and subsequent move, and not much has happened aside from near-crippling social anxiety and agoraphobia. I still don't have a job because we only have one car, and have become increasingly isolated to the point where talking to anyone but the RTH induces mildly to severely disabling panic. This is obviously a problem.

Moreover, my activity on That Other Social Network has increased, giving the illusion of social interaction without actually talking to people in meatspace, so I've fallen into a comfortable little self-rewarding pattern of social avoidance. This isn't depression (probably) as much as voluntary hermitude. Loneliness is bad, but fear of rejection and judgement is worse.

The RTH had me make an appointment with the Family Health Services (basically the Army health/adjustment/psych department) to work through my numerous Issues and maybe get some drugs and therapy so I can apply for work without hyperventilating out of fear of talking to non-RTH human beings.

Never before has my Avoidant Personality Disorder come so sharply into play in my life. :(
Tuesday, October 7th, 2014
10:36 am
Oh yeah, Major Life Events.
So it occurs to me that it's been a while since I posted to good ol' LJ, despite my promise to do so more frequently.

Things Going On, In Rough Order Of Occurrence:

1. The RTF and I leveled up once again to become the RTH and the RTW (Ridiculously Tiny Wife), in an epic steampunk ceremony of epic awesomeness. Marriage rocks. *thumbsup*

2. Two days after said epic ceremony, we followed it with a 1400 mile cross-country trip to his duty station and our new home of San Antonio. Oh, and we brought Percy, Harry, and Sugar along for the ride. (Sadly I had to re home Chauvelin and Emma.) Two cats and a rabbit, trapped in a sedan for three days. Good times. Did I mention Percy's severe phobia of car rides? Yeah.

3. Then came the apartment hunting while the five of us lived out of a Motel 6 for a week. We finally found a very nice place that allowed all three of the fur kids (although we had to pay extra for Sugar), and we've been basically camping out until our stuff is delivered tomorrow (the military moves stuff for you, then puts it in storage until you find a place).

4. Now I'm pretty much just housewifeing it up until we can figure out what to do as far as getting me a job...I left Audrey back in Michigan, so we're a one-car household, and I don't feel comfortable going out on my own--cities are skeery!
Wednesday, August 27th, 2014
2:57 am
Seriously, I could analyze this show forever.
Finished the third season of Once Upon a Time. Naturally, I have thinky thoughts, and not all of them are lovely.Collapse )

And now I'll have to wait for the fourth season. Fortunately I'll be living with my husband and we will probably have cable by then, which means CURRENT EPISODES. No longer will I be solely reliant on DVDs! SQUEE!

Current Mood: i need sleeps.
Sunday, June 29th, 2014
10:13 pm
More fannish squee, as promised.
Just found out that the third season of Once Upon a Time is set for DVD release August 19th! I don't have television, so I've been waiting for the DVD to catch up.

I am so ridiculously jazzed about this show; you have no idea. I haven't had the sheer pleasure of falling in love with a piece of media in so very, very long, and Once Upon a Time is pure fannish crack. Where else can you see Snow White punching out Aurora, or Belle teaming up with Mulan, or Cinderella and Red Riding Hood having a girls' night out on the town?

And the villains! Not one or even two, but usually five or six, all conspiring and scheming against or with one another, dealing and double-dealing, and shifting loyalties at whim.

Also, I now want to see an animated Rumpelstiltskin movie, now that he's sort of part of Disney canon. Most of the other Storybrooke characters* are from the Disney Animated Canon, so why not? I love love LOVE their version of Beauty and the Beast, and I may or may not have a new 'ship (and--oh dear lord--demented new crush. YES I KNOW SHUT UP. Blame the Scots accent and tight leather pants).

PLUS I just found out there's a spin-off: Once Upon a Time in Wonderland. This seems to be a single self-contained season, so there's no series commitment. I know I've complained that all the shows I love--Witchblade, Firefly, Pushing Daisies, The Dresden Files, Primeval--are cancelled too soon, but after eight years of collecting House, M.D. DVDs at $45 a pop, sometimes shorter is sweeter.

Right now Once Upon a Time is the only show I'm following, thank the gods, mostly because I haven't had television in a while (I nearly typed "years," but I DID have television for about a year after I moved back in with Mom; I just didn't really follow much outside of Heroes of Cosplay). And I only found THAT because Mom left it at the house after she moved in with my grandparents, and I decided to watch it one day (it was an unopened Christmas gift), at which point I promptly fell in love, inhaled it in two days, then bought and devoured the second season.

So yeah. Major, major love for this show. Can't wait for third season. Squeeage, y'all. Massive squeeage.

*With a few exceptions (Frankenstein why?). It's fun to see what new characters pop up. And I'm still waiting for Lady and Tramp to show up at Storybrooke Animal Shelter. I mean, they threw in Pongo and Nanny, so what the hell. And OMG how awesome would it be to see Atlantis? They've been to Wonderland and Neverland, name-dropped Agrabah, and mentioned other worlds, so Atlantis could TOTALLY be out there somewhere, in all its aquapunk** glory. This needs to happen now, people!

**Yes, aquapunk. It is totes a thing, or should be. Real-life adorkable Milo and Kida? Yes, please.

Current Mood: fangirly.
Wednesday, June 25th, 2014
8:04 pm
Yet more major life stuffs! Also, OMG fannish squee.
So the RTF got his orders. San Antonio, here we come. :D

Also, my sister's having a baby in December. I'm going to be an aunt! Of a niece! YAYS!

Most pressingly, though, I have become OBSESSED with my latest crack, Once Upon a Time. Enough to track down fan fic in my few precious moments online. I haven't gotten this excited over a fandom in YEARS. While I lack the immediacy of television, I've inhaled the first two seasons and am impatiently waiting for the third to come out on DVD.

More fannish squee to come, if I can find the time.

Current Mood: must...mainline...disney crack.
Sunday, March 2nd, 2014
6:31 am

The RTB? Is now officially the RTF.

:D :D :D :D :D :D

He sent it in the mail,* in a Tardis-shaped box that says "Will you be my Companion?", because he's perfect like that. Since it was my cousin's daughter's birthday, most of my family was already there and saw the requisite screaming and muppet!flailing and crying.

Holy crap, I could not be any more in love with anyone, ever. <3

(If you know me on FB, DO NOT MENTION THIS ON FB. I have yet to make an announcement there, because it's not official until it's Facebook official. Trufax.)

*Because he's thousands of miles away in South Korea, and this gives us time to pack and prepare stuff before being able to live on base housing. Squee!

Current Mood: i said yes. duh.
Monday, January 20th, 2014
11:48 pm
I love my bunny. I love my bunny. I love my bunny....
No, really. He's sweet, friendly, and smart (he taught my cat to fetch!). I wouldn't trade him for any other rabbit on the planet. But Sugar is something of a technophile, in a sense: So far he has gone through seven cell phone chargers (four of mine, two of my mother's, and one of my new roommate Kaija's) and a TV cord (which I managed to repair with electrical tape). I've started putting electronics either out of his reach or covering the cords with dish detergent to deter him.

This weekend I was texting the RTB at Tim Horton's, when suddenly my laptop* went dead. Huh, thought I, that's odd, because it's fully charged and the cord is plugged into the wall.

Hah. Yeah.

Three little chew marks, in a suspiciously familiar pattern. How he managed to reach it I'll never know, because it was inside of a bag on a rocking chair out of his radius of destruction, but apparently he morphed into a ninja at some point, because the evidence was staring me in the face. Well, poopnoodles, thought I, but this is all old hat to me. I'll just march down to the electronics department of Meijer to replace it for ten bucks, like all the other chargers, and everything will be just f--NINETY-NINE DOLLARS FOR A LAPTOP CHARGER WHAT THE SHIT OH YOU LITTLE FUCKER I'M HAVING HASSENPFEFFER TONIGHT.

So yeah. I did not, in fact, go all Fatal Attraction on him, but I did exact revenge of a sort:

THE DREADED NAIL TRIM. At which, the last toe clipped, he promptly kicked me in the face and hopped off to sulk like the poor little coddled victim he is.

I also learned a valuable lesson, namely DO NOT LEAVE YOUR LAPTOP ON CHAIRS, because when it comes to wreaking havoc on personal possessions, bunnies are GENIUSES. In addition to his technology fetish, he has chewed, in no particular order: two pairs of pants, a cowboy hat, several sheets of no-stick flooring I bought for his x-pen, countless book covers (including the gratuitously ironic Rabbits for Dummies), two common Magic: The Gathering cards, several pairs of boots, several Pathfinder character sheets, a packpack, my biology textbook and homework (giving me the brilliant excuse "My rabbit ate my homework"), a soft-sided cat carrier, and some fake plants I carelessly left on a table while cleaning the fish tank.

And then there's the food. He's a terrible food whore, worse than our Whippet my family had when I was a kid. He'll jump out of nowhere to steal food right out of your hand. So far he's gotten into doughnuts, cheese, Pocky, the bologna out of my sandwich, a piece of chocolate FOIL AND ALL, a whole roll of Oreos (just the tops and scattered the rest ALL OVER THE HOUSE), pizza, Nacho Cheese Doritos, cheese, a cup of coffee I thought I'd put out of his reach, half a hot dog, onion rings, and a Grilled Stuffed Nacho from Taco Bell. He also Hoovers cat food any chance he can get and will chase the cats away from their bowls. Due to all of this gourmet dining, he ballooned to rotund proportions and Fatty Fatty Two By Four is now on a strict(ish) diet (although I am not, as you can see from my litany of dietary choices).

All I'm saying is, he's lucky he's so cute and loveable, because for a few minutes in that coffee shop, rabbit stew sounded like a pretty tempting meal.

*Yes! I have a laptop! It was a gift from Grampa on the last Christmas I had with him and Gramma. Technically it was Gramma's computer and because of her condition she couldn't use it anyway, so he gave it to me! I still don't have the internet at home, but I can poach the free Wi-Fi at Timmy Ho's.

Current Mood: omg wtf bunny?
Friday, December 6th, 2013
10:40 pm
Who says you can't buy happiness? Mine cost $2.88 at the drugstore.
After a long, slow, miserable decline, which culminated in dropping a college course I was failing and deliberately driving my car into a telephone pole just so that I could feel something (twice!), I went to the doctor and begged her to give me SOMETHING to help me get through this facepunch of a year.

I walked out with my latest prescription, to be taken with my Adderall: Citalopram, the generic form of Celexa. It's apparently an antidepressant/antianxiety combo, recommended for patients with major depressive disorder and social phobias (both of which have been plaguing me for some time, although everything snowballed into a perfect shitstorm in under a year), which is nice because among other issues, I've been having a minimum of two panic attacks on a daily basis for months. I'm talking full-blown, hyperventilating, sweating, oh-my-God-I'm-going-to-die panic attacks. Apparently most people who get them (when they get them at all) have, oh, one or two a LIFETIME. If you're very unlucky, they're once every few months or weeks. I have multiple attacks every day.

So yeah. This shit better work. I can't go on like this.

Current Mood: so very sad, all the time.
Friday, October 11th, 2013
8:41 am
I'm done.
Gramma passed this morning. 2013 is officially the worst year ever and it can go die in a fire.

Current Mood: just stop.
Monday, September 16th, 2013
8:18 pm
And so it begins.
The RTB left for Korea for a year on Saturday. Sort of numb about it. It'll hit me soon enough.

Current Mood: nothing feels like anything.
Wednesday, August 21st, 2013
9:08 pm
Cosplay: Fun geeky hobby, or deadly serious life calling?
I want to take a moment to geek out over my new love/hate relationship with Heroes of Cosplay.

When I heard about this show, I was SO PSYCHED. Last year the RTB and I went to Motor City Comic Con as Gambit and Rogue. True, the base of our costumes were purchased, because neither of us exactly has sewing skills, but the accessories were either found (Rogue's bomber jacket was abandoned for nearly two years at the dry cleaner where I work), purchased from thrift stores (the belts) or made (the X-symbols were craft foam, and the RTB made Gambit's hood). I even dyed white streaks in my hair and bought contacts for the first time in fifteen years, while the RTB dyed his naturally blond hair (and eyebrows!) brown. Altogether, we made a presentable showing at the con, and got the cosplay bug in the process.

So when I heard there was going to be a whole show centered around cosplay, I was SO GEEKED. Self, I said, this will be AWESOME. And there was a (much better) Rogue costume featured in the commercials! SQUEE!

Then I watched an episode.

It's...not what I expected. The show seems to purport that all cosplayers are competitive, borderline-OCD perfectionists who spend hours of time and hundreds of dollars creating costumes to impress fellow nerds and win awards. Which...I'm sure there ARE cosplayers like that, but the majority of them are in it because they're, y'know. Fans. Nerds. People who enjoy fringe pop culture and dress to express that affection.

These people seem to think that there are ridiculously high standards to be maintained in the art of cosplay, and have a "go big or go home" mentality. If you don't spend at least $300 and six months on your costume? Pfft. Amateur. Oh, and you should look and act exactly like the character you're portraying. There was actually a segment in the show where several women sat around agreeing that overweight people have no business cosplaying anything but overweight characters, because after all, there are STANDARDS. It was at that point that I decided, wow, y'all are awful, awful human beings.

During this discussion, the lone dissenting voice of reason was a woman named Chloe, who sat bewildered as these people who are supposedly geeks and accepting of outsiders passed judgment on their fellow fans.

Now I do agree that there should be standards for cosplay, but the only requirement is that you be a fan of or otherwise familiar with the genre you are portraying. When the RTB and I decided on our characters, I openly worried that I wasn't familiar enough with X-Men to do justice to Rogue, because I'd never read any of the comics. He pointed out that not only have I seen all of the movies, I've also seen every episode of every X-Men television series to date (including that god-awful pilot from 1989, Pryde of the X-Men), so my fan cred is firmly established.

My other issue is with the lone male cosplayer in the show, a guy named Jesse, who seems like a decent enough fellow, but is WAY too invested in the idea that winning a costume contest at a con will jump-start his desired career of creating custom-made armor. Dude, if you want to start your own business selling armor? START YOUR OWN BUSINESS. Don't waste your time and energy building individual costumes for the display stage; go down to the vendor floors and set up your own booth with business cards and merchandise to sell. It's a much more effective way of promoting the quality of your work.

Then there's YaYa, the "professional" cosplayer who for all I know is a lovely and kind-hearted individual in real life, but her persona on the show is so superior and smugly judgmental of fans who don't invest their life savings into cosplay and attending every convention they can, I'm surprised she's as popular as the show purports her to be. She laid into the other cosplayers over the least little details: her horns were store-bought, this one used a bodysuit instead of body paint (which is apparently "lazy"), this one didn't fully embody the character. At one point she criticized a contestant because the woman had dared to wear a costume that she hadn't constructed entirely on her own--her husband had helped her. Look, SOMEONE made this outfit entirely from scratch...give a little credit where it's due!

I'll keep watching the show (and if it's ever made available on DVD, probably even buy it--the costumes really are that cool, and it has some GREAT tips for creating my own stuff), but I'm rather disappointed with the portrayal of cosplay and the people involved.
Monday, August 19th, 2013
7:14 pm
My new pet.
Since my Syrian hamster Lucy passed away earlier this year, I've had his 20 gallon sitting around the house. This has naturally led to Empty Tank Syndrome. I've been itching for a tiny new caged pet lately,* something I can coddle and nurture and basically invest my maternal energies, but I can't have any more animals. So I was thinking, what's like a pet but not really a pet?

Carnivorous plants. Specifically, Venus fly traps.

I decided to turn his old tank into a terrarium, with fancy strip lights and growth bulbs and all that stuff. I've had fly traps in the past, but I never had a proper terrarium for them, set up with the light levels they require. After I researched their needs, I planned to get everything purchased and set up, then bring home a fly trap.

While grocery-shopping at Meijer, there was a tiny, wilted, desperate VFT huddled in a dark corner, like a dog that's been too long at the pound. It had four shriveled leaves, one single green trap next to its black, dessicated twin, and its plastic pot of sphagnum was bone dry. It was the Charlie Brown Christmas tree of VFTs, and it cried out for love and attention.

So I brought it home. After a good drink of purified water and a tasty gnat, it's now sitting on my patio in full sun. Today I noticed it's sprouted two new trap buds, and it already seems to have perked up in general. I'm going to keep it outside at least through September, or however long before it starts to show signs of dormancy--apparently VFTs thrive better outside anyway--then either terrarium it over autumn (depending on how soon the temperatures drop), then put it in the back room until February.

*Sugar doesn't count as a caged pet; as far as time, money, and interaction levels he's more like a large house pet.
Thursday, August 1st, 2013
1:49 pm
...I just realized, to my horror, that the strongest influence in my writing style has become....

(Brace yourselves, weak of heart.)

Laurell K. Hamilton. *thunderclap*

In a rare burst of creative inspiration, I was up until 4:30 in the morning writing what has evolved into a murder mystery with elves, and I say "murder mystery" in only the loosest sense, because the majority of plot has gone by the wayside in favor of long, rambling dialogues, extended scenes focused on the relationship and emotions of the two main characters, and porn. Lots and lots of gay porn.

It's LKH with steampunk and dragons.

So far I have one "book" (if two hundred pages of loosely connected vignettes following the same vague outline can be called that), another slightly shorter "book" (the only one of any length with an actual working plot), four or five other titles with several equally plottish scenes apiece, and a fifty-page file with random world-building content.

And this content all dates back roughly ten years. I know this only because that is when I met the friend who asked me to write her a short story with elves and dragons and demons. I wrote it, recognized it for the terrible D&D rip-off it turned out to be, started a new version, and re-wrote that.

And re-wrote. And added more characters. And more sub-plots. And back story. And somehow my main characters were now a couple. More back story. More sub-plots.

I now have an unwieldy, inchoate mess of soap opera proportions, with literally hundreds of pages devoted to not only the relationship between the main characters, but have spawned a SECOND couple and begun to focus on THEIR interaction.

The cherry on all this frosty whipped irony is that no one has ever seen any of it. I've devoted ten years, off and on, to something I'd like to publish some day, but am too embarrassed to reveal in public because not only is a good portion of it straight-up porn that my family could possibly read, but what if it's not even GOOD porn? I'm pretty sure there's a market for it, because hello, steampunk porn with gay elves, who WOULDN'T be all over that? but as it stands it reads like self-indulgence to no purpose.

Also, OMG: On a whim, I googled the surname of my main elf protagonist (Maithe), which I swear ON MY LIFE I invented totally at random years ago because it sounded pretty, and according to the almighty truth that is Wikipedia the Daoine Maithe is an Irish term used to refer to fairies. MY HAND TO GOD, I did not intend this. :D

Wednesday, July 31st, 2013
8:16 pm
In which Sugar is upgraded to Honorary Canine status.
I realized today, while shopping for a dog bed for Sugar, that he has officially become everything that intended for him to be: namely, a surrogate dog. I mean, he

1. Is neutered
2. Is litter box trained*
3. Is microchipped
4. Walks on a leash in public
5. Is learning to come when called
6. Begs for treats (an annoying habit in dogs, but adorable in a bunny)
7. Wears clothes--really! He inherited Tai's rain coat and witch costume
8. Plays and sleeps with the cats, and now
9. Sleeps in a dog bed.

It's like living with the world's quietest, most aloof puppy. And he's MUCH easier to clean up after--more fragrant, too! Puppy breath vs. bunny fur...after experiencing both, it's honestly a toss-up. Bunnies smell AWESOME, like baby hamsters on steroids. And Fresh New Baby Hamster is my favorite smell on the planet, rivaling hyacinths, warm baked goods, and even bacon. BUNNIES > BACON, YO. It is official. :)

*Okay, I'll admit that that's more of a cat thing.

EDIT: Well, that was fast. I left the dog bed in overnight, and woke up to find the edges nibbled in five places. Fearing he would chew a hole right through it, I removed the bed and Harry immediately called shotgun. I'll leave it for him to sleep in during his supervised time out, but I don't trust him not to shred it by the end of the day. I keep seeing all these pictures online of pristine pens with rabbits lounging in spotless, intact plush dog beds, and I wonder--how do their owners DO it?

Thursday, July 25th, 2013
9:27 pm
Well, that was long overdue.
Finally updated my profile after only, oh, three years? I pruned most of the unnecessary and self-absorbed blather, updated my current pets (the old profile had Tai listed among them, and Chauvelin was still named Nehebka--sheesh!), and added my relationship with the RTB. I hope it now reads as much less obnoxious.

I miss you, LJ. The Other Social Network has eaten too much of my time and brainspace. We should get reacquainted. Nothing too fancy--maybe a cup of coffee, a long walk--take it slowly. We've been apart for too long to rush things. I know I've been away for a while, chatting on other networks, but you've always been there, in the back of my mind. You've always been so good to me, LJ. Let's give this another chance.
Saturday, June 29th, 2013
5:21 pm
I know I haven't updated in a while.
More or less, some bad shit's gone down. My grandfather, my best friend and life rock, passed away on the 25th of May. I've been coping about as well as can be expected, surprisingly well considering that it's something I've dreaded for over thirty years. He was sick for little while, hospitalized for a week and a half with congestive heart failure, and when he seemed to be briefly improving for a day or so, we brought him home (Mom officially moved in with them when he was hospitalized). He lasted three more days. At least he passed in the house that he built, with his wife, his daughter, and his beloved dog--not away in some hospital. We have that much, at least.

Gramma has semantic dementia (short version: she's completely aware of her surroundings and her memory is intact, but she can't walk or talk) and needs someone with her 24/7. This is a degenerative disorder, related to Alzheimer's but with virtually no genetic component: it isn't inherited. The disorder has roughly an eight-year course; her symptoms became noticeable in 2007, right before my older cousin's wedding in Florida (aka the Death Cruise of Doom). Since she needs round-the-clock care, this has greatly diminished my mother's availability at the family business. Visiting nurses come by for a few hours a couple days a week, to allow Mom to handle some business arrangements, but insurance won't cover more than that. So essentially one of the co-owners and the manager are absent. Grampa's death has affected every aspect of our lives. Life is very, very hard right now, to say the least.

On top of that, the Ridiculously Tall Boyfriend found out that he's being deployed to South Korea. For anywhere from eighteen months to three years.

Yeah. This is officially the shittiest month/year/happenstance EVER. I realized a few days ago that, while I wasn't looking, I've backslid into the worst depression I've had since I was on the generic Wellbutrin. I'm not suicidal or anything, in the sense that I don't actively want to kill myself, although disappearing from existence looks more pleasant every day. I'm technically functional--I'm working, cleaning things, even taking my ADD meds--but right now life is sort of a giant void of suck.

Current Mood: depressed
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